


~La Collection de Trash~

by x119



Category: Malice Mizer
Genre: 420 friendly, Crack, Drug Use, Gen, Tacos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 05:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12810564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x119/pseuds/x119
Summary: A collection of one-shots of Malice Mizer doin STUFF and THANGS. Entirely crack.





	1. 420

**Author's Note:**

> Some of these are oooold but NEVER BEFORE SEEN CONTENT!!!

            Kozi was early. This was not normal behavior, as his habit was to show up at least ten minutes late for band practice every time, regardless of how important it was. This had been his custom for the past several years, and this strange break in his late streak immediately set Mana off as he walked through the door.

            “What are you doing here?” he asked, the irritation evident in his voice. “You’re supposed to be the late one.”

            “I can’t be the early one?” Kozi retorted playfully, rising up from the chair he had been sitting in and producing a small paper bag from behind his back.

            “I made you a present,” he continued, gesturing to the bag, barely able to hide the devious smile on his face.

            “What did you do this time?” Mana asked with narrowed eyes, clearly not amused by this entire charade.  Kozi regularly attempted some type of half-hearted apology after screwing something up, and Mana was in no mood for it.

            “Nothing!” Kozi said with a laugh, attempting to lighten the mood just a tad. “I can’t be nice once in a while?”

            “This is highly suspicious,” Mana remarked, watching Kozi open the paper bag with a wary gaze. The other guitarist produced several delectable looking brownies, individually wrapped in plastic with large smiley faces drawn on them. Mana didn’t get a chance to make a snide comment as he immediately found one of the brownies flying towards his face, pelting him in the nose and tumbling down onto his chest. He grabbed at it reflexively to catch it, making sure to glare at Kozi the entire time.

            “What do you want me to do with this thing?” Mana asked rudely, pretending not to understand the concept of delicious desserts or their consumption. Kozi merely rolled his eyes as he began to unwrap a brownie for himself, discarding the plastic wrap onto the studio floor (much to Mana’s dismay) and shoving half the dessert into his mouth at once.

            “You’re supposed to eat it!” He said through a mouthful of chocolate deliciousness, earning an overly dramatic eye roll from the other guitarist. Reluctantly, Mana began to delicately peel away the plastic wrap surrounding his slightly crushed brownie, making sure to set an example by throwing the plastic in the garbage before taking a single dainty bite out of the chocolate sweet.

            “This tastes a little strange,” Mana remarked with a raised eyebrow. Despite the strangeness he took several more bites, waiting for Kozi to reply when he had finally swallowed what was in his mouth.

            “Hey, I don’t know how to bake,” Kozi said defensively, feigning hurt. “I’m trying my best here!”

            Mana scoffed and continued to chew, finishing the brownie a few moments later. As Mana downed the final bite, Kozi began to smile, obviously attempting to hold back his laughter. Mana chose to ignore his odd behavior and sauntered off down the hall. Kozi assumed he was going to unpack his things and prepare for band practice but he couldn’t have been sure. After all, he had never been this early before and wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

            He simply grinned at his own genius and sat back in his chair, watching the seconds tick by on the wall clock with anticipation. After he’d watched the little hand make it halfway around the clockface, Mana came stumbling into the room, his hand lingering on the wall for support.

            “I feel funny,” he said, his voice sounding much less crisp than usual. “What have you done to me?”

            “Do you know what day it is?” Kozi asked, cocking his head to the side. What was normally an insignificant movement seemed to increase in intensity a hundred times as he began to feel the effects of his special brownies.

            “It’s the 20th,” Mana replied, annoyance and mild confusion evident in his tone of voice. “April 20th.”

            “And?”

            “Um…”

            Both of them ceased to speak at that point, Mana watching the ceiling tiles with increased concentration as he slowly slid down the wall and landed on the carpet. Kozi watched him and burst into laughter, nearly falling out of his chair in the process.

            “Am I dying?” Mana asked with a whimper, turning his head slowly towards Kozi. His band mate was now slumped over in his chair, staring intently at the floor and nodding as if they had some mutual understanding.

            “Oh, you’re not dying,” Kozi responded with a laugh after a brief pause. He then proceeded to continue his staring contest with the textured carpet.

            “Kozi, I’m going into the light!” Mana cried out with fear as he stared stupidly into a light fixture. Kozi responded by bursting out into a fit of hysterical laughter as he finally rose from his chair, covering the distance between them and reaching down to pull Mana off the floor.

            “You’re going to be fine,” he said reassuringly, guiding Mana to an empty chair and gently placing him in it. “Just wait until everyone else gets here.”

            “Skeet skeet mothafuckas,” Klaha said loudly and inappropriately as he burst into the studio office with a huge blunt hanging out of his mouth. A large clock was taped to his black t-shirt, his face adorned with comically large sunglasses.

            “I see you already got the party started,” he remarked with a head nod towards Mana, who was currently staring up at the ceiling tiles with glazed eyes and a wide smile on his face.

            “So did you,” Kozi answered just as Klaha blew a massive puff of smoke into his face. “I appreciate that, thank you.”

            “Where’s that lame one?” Klaha continued, sitting down next to the still oblivious Mana. “I want to get some tacos up in this bitch.”

            On cue, Yu~ki burst through the door, clearly flustered and in a rush. Lateness wasn’t usually his custom, but something had seemed off about today from the start. His suspicions were confirmed when he noticed the state of the studio and the obvious lack of any work being done. Not to mention the horrible smell of marijuana smoke that permeated the room.

            “What are you guys… doing… today?” he asked slowly, taking in the sight of his three band mates all seated in little chairs next to each other, staring at him (or at nothing at all) with wide grins and half lidded eyes.

            “Celebrating this world wide holiday,” Klaha answered simply as he exhaled once more, causing Yu~ki to cover his mouth and cough more dramatically than was necessary.

            “Um, did I, uh,” Mana began suddenly, a look of urgency on his face. Yu~ki frowned in disapproval, as he was sure Mana never would have joined in on this plan of his own free will. He shot a critical glance at Kozi, who merely smirked back at him while they waited patiently for Mana to collect his thoughts.

            “Did I hear something about tacos?” he finally finished, quickly glancing back and forth between Klaha and Yu~ki. “Was one of you going to get tacos? Because I’m starving.”

            “Yeah, Yu~ki’s going to get some tacos,” Klaha answered before Yu~ki could utter a word of protest. “He has the sweet hookups at the taco store.”

            “No! I’m not going - ”

            “Take me to the taco store, Taco Man!” Mana screeched, suddenly rising from his chair and violently grabbing Yu~ki by the shoulders. “I need tacos! I need them now!”

            “I don’t want to go!” Yu~ki said, taking several steps back as Kozi pulled Mana back down into his seat. He then began to sway back and forth to music only he could hear.

            “I have a wonderful idea,” Mana continued, his swaying intensifying. Kozi smiled and nodded, urging Mana to continue talking it out while he waved a dismissive hand towards Yu~ki, indicating he should have been at the taco store five minutes ago.

            “Get the fuck out of here Yu~ki,” Klaha burst out in frustration, vocalizing what Kozi wasn’t going to say.

            “No!” Yu~ki suddenly cried out in defiance, which was very unlike him. “I want to be part of something! I want to hang out with you guys! I don’t want to be the taco boy anymore!”

            “If that’s the case,” Klaha began, tipping his sunglasses so he could make eye contact with the bassist, “you have to hit this.” Klaha handed his still-burning blunt to Yu~ki, who seemed perplexed.

            “You don’t have authority over me, newbie,” he retorted, scrunching his nose up in disgust as smoke lazily made its way to into his nose and eyes. “Only Mana can tell me - ”

            “He says you have to smoke the blunt or he’s gunna beat your ass silly,” Kozi interrupted in Mana’s stead. The latter was still swaying to his own music, his eyes closed, giving absolutely no indication he had spoken to Kozi at all.

            “You can’t just make stuff up, Kozi,” Yu~ki continued. Klaha watched with apprehension as the blunt continued to burn, unsmoked.

            “I didn’t,” Kozi continued slyly. “We can communicate telepathically. I hear his thoughts. Right now he thinks you’re being a little bitch.”

            “I am absolutely not a bitch!” Yu~ki protested, not even questioning Kozi’s bizarre and most likely false explanation. He brought the blunt to his lips and inhaled deeply – too deeply for his first time, Kozi thought.   

            “Sure,” Kozi chuckled, watching Yu~ki sputter and choke as the harsh smoke filled his lungs. Klaha laughed heartily, quickly snatching the blunt from the bassist to take a few more hits before handing it back.

            “Am I - “ Yu~ki hacked away. “Am I cool now? We chill? …Dudes?”

            “Eat this,” Kozi said, throwing one of the plastic wrapped brownies at Yu~ki. Klaha snatched the other one from Kozi’s hand before he had a chance to offer.

            “Oh, and afterward,” Kozi said, a look of intense concentration on his face as he pretended to use his ESP, “please get tacos delivered.”

 

* * *

 

 

            Mana awoke sluggishly, taking in the dark studio from where he had been lying on the couch. It turned out he wasn’t the only one who chose this place for a nap, as Kozi was lying unconscious beneath him, one of his arms draped around Mana’s back. He pushed the offending appendage off with mild disgust as he rose, confused when his bare feet touched the carpet and several crinkled taco wrappers; apparently, he decided he didn’t need shoes today, just as someone else had decided they didn’t need a trash receptacle.

            “Kozi,” he said plainly, shaking his bandmate by the shoulder to rouse him. The first bout didn’t seem to do any good, so Mana opted for the quick-start method: an open-handed slap across the face.

            “I wish you would stop doing that,” Kozi mumbled, rubbing the store spot on his cheek as he sat up. His face fell when he noticed the general state of the room, realizing in an instant that he was going to be blamed for all this.

            To be fair, it _was_ entirely his fault.

            “I think you have some explaining to do,” Mana began coldly, hands on his hips as he stood over a meek looking Kozi. The other guitarist scanned the room, noting that they were alone – a perfect opportunity to pass the blame.

            “See, Klaha thought - ”

            “It was the weed!” Klaha screamed, bursting into the room. The clock he had taped to his shirt had apparently ripped a hole in it, and one nipple stood out proudly amongst the black fabric.

            “What?” Mana asked, one eye twitching in disgust as he eyed Klaha’s exposed nub of flesh.

            “Kozi fed you weed brownies,” Yu~ki weakly interjected, only the top of his head visible behind the doorframe he hid behind. Mana shot an ice-cold look of rage in Kozi’s direction before Yu~ki continued.

            “He’s trying to blame it on us, even after I ordered taco delivery,” Yu~ki continued, more than a hint of irritation evident in his voice. Kozi shrugged in response.

            “It’s entirely his fault!” Klaha affirmed, dramatically pointing an accusing finger in Kozi’s direction. “He forced me to come in here, like a derelict rap star, smoking… the _marijuana_ s.” Klaha delicately whispered the last word so as not to offend Mana’s delicate sensibilities.

            “Alright, listen,” Mana began, addressing Kozi at first. Klaha and Yu~ki took this as their opportunity to escape, but were quickly stopped in their tracks by one of Mana’s icy death-glares.

            “Do you have any sense of responsibility? Any of you?” Mana continued disdainfully. “Do you know what day it is?”

            “Yeah,” Kozi said with a laugh, “It’s 4/20.”

            “I would strangle you right here if I didn’t need - ” Mana said with clenched fists, stopping himself before he could accidentally give Kozi a compliment in the middle of his reprimanding. “Yes, it is April 20th. We have a deadline in three days. We spent this entire day unproductively. Now, you’ll make up for it.”

            “B-but it’s home time…” Klaha said innocently, pointing to the clock on the wall that read 6:00 PM.

            “There’s no ‘home time’ now!” Mana spat, stamping one bare foot on the carpet, his fists clenched. Klaha and Yu~ki looked on in fear.

            “Now, get to work,” Mana commanded coldly, shooing them both out the door with a dismissive wave of his hand. The others complied, hurrying to their respective spaces to practice.

            Only Kozi remained, though he now stood next to the small table in the centre of the room, organizing a pile of papers while remaining completely unaffected by Mana’s current control-freak attitude.

            “I thought you were apologizing for something this morning,” Mana remarked, turning to face his bandmate in the half-lit break room, “but now, you’re really going to have to make it up to me.”

            “Don’t worry, I’ve got it right here,” Kozi replied with a smirk, gesturing to the stack of pages he held. He thrust them out towards Mana, who took them hastily and without interest.

            “What, more eyeball doodles?” He said snidely. It was when he looked down at the notation on the pages that he realized what he was looking at: not just sheets of paper, but music, penned in all too familiar colours.

            “This is - ”

            “Your masterpiece from this afternoon,” Kozi interrupted, smirking at his own dramatics. Mana didn’t catch his display, as his eyes were busy roving over the score, clearly impressed with his stoned self.

            “You’re welcome,” Kozi said, grinning. He clapped the still stunned Mana on the shoulder as he passed, shutting the door behind him. 

 


	2. Mana's Yeast Infection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a request. Do not ask for more information. There is none.

            “Mana has been oddly silent lately,” Kozi remarked to Yu~ki, who was playing with a small rubber duck instead of doing any work around the studio.

            “If by lately, you mean his entire life, then I agree,” the bassist replied, not taking the eyes off his wonderfully mesmerizing yellow duck to even look his concerned band mate in the eyeball (which he probably would have found sexually appealing).

            “No, I mean…” Kozi trailed off for a moment, racking his brain for the appropriate words to describe this new brand of silence Mana had adopted. “It’s like someone super glued his mouth shut. Nothing can get out.”

            “Or in, I would presume,” Yu~ki mumbled with a smirk.

            “What is that supposed to mean?” Kozi asked, his brow furrowed in confusion and annoyance.

            Before Yu~ki could answer why he was so concerned about objects entering Mana’s mouth, the aforementioned guitarist shuffled into the room. Both his bandmates stared up at him from their position at the studio table, but neither said a word of greeting. Neither did Mana.

            The silent staring quickly became unbearably awkward, so Kozi did the brave thing and decided to break it with a fond welcome.

            “What is your fucking problem?” He asked, eliciting absolutely no reaction from Mana and a childish gasp from Yu~ki. The sound of his rubber duck squeaking as it hit the tiled floor did nothing for the ambience.

            A silent, rage-filled staring contest started up at once between Mana and Kozi, the void between them engulfing all feeling of love and happiness in the near vicinity; flowers wilted, trees died, puppies were abandoned, and Kamijo decided he wanted to become a vocalist. The battle of wills would have crushed the entire city in no time if Yu~ki (the intrepid soul that he is) hadn’t spoken up.

            “It’s not working,” he whispered, leaning towards Kozi’s ear in hopes that Mana wouldn’t hear. Kozi simply let out an annoyed sigh in reply while Mana stood stark still and silent before them.

            “I know what you have to do,” Yu~ki continued, giving Mana a quick once-over in the process. “We’ll have to surprise him. Then he’ll have no choice but to speak.”

            “This plan isn’t really going to work. He can hear us,” Kozi remarked, gesturing to the silent figure in front of them. Yu~ki simply shook his head with a smile and took several tentative steps towards the silent guitarist.         

            “I’ve got this one,” he said reassuringly, though it didn’t make Kozi feel any more confident.

            He watched with unease as Yu~ki closed the distance between himself and Mana, without a doubt invading the guitarist’s personal bubble. Mana leaned away slightly but continued to protest in silence, his expression betraying nothing. Yu~ki quickly reached out with one hand and grabbed Mana by the back of the head, planting a rough kiss on the guitarists permanently sealed mouth.

            This did the trick and sent Mana into a screaming frenzy, roughly pushing Yu~ki as far away from him as possible before grabbing a nearby plastic chair and beating the bassist over the head with it. He only stopped when Yu~ki lay still on the floor in a steadily growing pool of his own blood.

            Kozi stared onward and stayed rooted to the spot, fearful of what this strange Mana creature would do to him. He watched the guitarist attempt to gather himself, smoothing his clothes back into place and struggling to slow his ragged breathing from the physical exertion of the beating he’d just administered. 

            Mana finally turned his attention away from Yu~ki and strode towards Kozi, a bloodthirsty look in his eyes. He raised one accusing finger and thrust it at the other guitarist before he finally let some words slip.

            “You want to know what my problem is?” He asked with a snarl. Kozi remained silent, indicating a positive with a simple nod of his head.

            “I have a fucking yeast infection!” Mana screeched.

            Before Kozi could form a response to that surprising statement, he was whipped in the face with a half-empty tube of Vagisil and sent tumbling to the floor.


	3. Xanax

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "as long as i got my xanax im gooooood hahahahahah" - mana

                Kozi walked into the studio ten minutes late (or perfectly on schedule, if you asked for his opinion), guitar case slung over his shoulder and a smoldering cigarette still between his lips. He had fully braced himself for the usual reprimand from Mana, complaining about his punctuality and hey this is a rented space, you know, please stop smoking in here – only none came.

                Perturbed by the lack of complaints, Kozi abandoned his guitar on the front desk - where Mana normally waited to assault him with demands or admonishments –and made his way deeper into the building, seeking out his daily source of pain and misery.

                As he approached one of the back rooms, he could hear Yu~ki chatting away, as usual, punctuated by tithers of Mana’s soft giggles.  

_Giggles_? Something was very wrong.

                “Morning, Kozi,” Yu~ki said with a smile as the confused guitarist opened up the crack in the door. “Mana and I were just having our morning coffee.” The aforementioned was slumped over the table, eyes glassy and out of focus, a ridiculous, sloppy smile on his face. He hadn’t seemed to notice that Kozi had entered the room and continued to smile stupidly at what appeared to be empty space.

                “Someone’s having a really good morning,” Kozi quipped, raising one eyebrow at Yu~ki. “What did you put in his coffee?”

                “Who says I did anything?” Yu~ki said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. The façade was abruptly broken when he could no longer hide his smile. “Maybe he’s just having a good day.”

                “Nobody has a day this good without some assistance,” Kozi continued, “especially not Mana. C’mon, what is it?” Yu~ki tossed him a small prescription pill bottle.

                “Xanax?” Kozi read from the label. “I… can’t believe you actually did this.”

                “Uh, you’re not mad or anything, are you?” Yu~ki asked, flinching reflexively as Kozi threw the bottle back to him. The guitarist scoffed in response.

                “Mad? No,” Kozi answered with a smirk. “This is actually the first time in years I can say I’m truly proud of you.” Yu~ki positively beamed at the compliment, as he hardly ever received them. With this, he knew, the whole scheme had been worth it, despite knowing it was morally wrong of him to drug his friend and that he would surely be spending the rest of his days damned to hell for his insolence. But Kozi thought it was cool, and Kozi was cool, so it was obviously cool.

                “What’sssss going on, guys?” Mana slurred, drawing his bandmates’ attention back down to where he lay slumped over the table. Kozi leaned down next to him, placing one gentle hand on Mana’s shoulder as he did so, before closing the distance and whispering something in the compromised guitarist’s ear. Whatever he said, it appeared to be reassuring, widening Mana’s stupid grin as his eyes closed halfway. Yu~ki hoped he would one day become as skilled as Kozi at manipulating Mana with niceties after drugging him without his consent.

                “Let’s at least put him somewhere more comfortable,” suggested Kozi. “Then we can actually get on with the day uninterrupted.”

                “Yeah, what do you think we should do with our time off?” Yu~ki asked, grinning as he joined Kozi in his effort to move Mana from his chair to the adjacent couch.

                “Don’t ask me,” Kozi scoffed, looping his arms beneath Mana’s to hoist the stoned guitarist out of his chair. “I actually planned on working today, so…” Yu~ki concentrated on scooping up Mana’s lower half before he could respond.

                “I didn’t really get that far in the planning, you know?” The two of them shuffled over to the other side of the room, depositing their burden on one of the small studio couches. Mana landed on the cushions and laughed quietly to himself, lost in thought, completely unaware of the plotting that had been going on around him.

                “I think I was just so nervous at the thought of drugging him, because it’s so despicable, but you’ve done it a few times before, and uh - ”

                “Despicable,” Mana repeated with a laugh, one arm stretched outward toward the two other men as if searching for them. “Despicable…”

                “Just go to sleep, Mana,” Kozi demanded, the earlier softness gone from his voice. “Anyway, I’m gunna pretend that you didn’t insult me so we can get on with the day. I mean, I guess we could, if you had thought this through… ”

                “Okay, fine. I didn’t really consider what would happen next. But we’ll think of something cool - ”

                “We? This was your idea. If you’re gunna take the helm, you gotta be prepared. Remember 4/20? I planned that for, like, a week. It was actually so productive. Mana _thanked_ me for getting him fucked up that day.”

                “Fine!” Yu~ki childishly stomped his foot in anger. “Today, we are going to do a fun activity. We’re going to, uh… eat ice cream and… get hookers.”

                “Ice cream and hookers, really?” Kozi scoffed. “You know that’s what Mana and I do every other weekend, right?”

                “Why was I never invited?!” Yu~ki cried, his hurt expression bringing Kozi sick satisfaction.

                “Anyway, uh,” the bassist continued, “we could… go see a movie?”

                “Who’s going to check on Mana, then?” Kozi asked. Yu~ki couldn’t tell if his concern for Mana’s well being was genuine, or just feigned for added effect. “You’re going to leave him here, high off his ass on Xanax, all alone?”

                “Um, no, that sounds really bad, so, I guess we should stay here…” Yu~ki began to fidget with the hem of his sleeve, his fingers buttoning and unbuttoning his cuffs in rapid succession. Beads of sweat formed on his brow as his mind floundered over all the possibilities of what to do with himself when he wasn’t being given orders. Where was his agency? His sense of self? Did he even have one anymore? Did he even care?

                Amidst his struggle, he locked eyes with Kozi, who was smiling knowingly back at him.

                “Oh, you got me!” Yu~ki confessed, throwing himself to his knees before the couch where Mana lay, turning to him as he began spilling his soul. Kozi doubted that Mana was even conscious, but Yu~ki continued, unhindered.

 “I can’t do this on my own! I can’t function without you telling me what to do, Mana!” He cried, wiping the sweat from his forehead. One of his buttons lay on the ground, ripped from its cuff. “I don’t know how to make decisions for myself! Please, guide me in my life! I’m so sorry!”

Yu~ki continued to plead for Mana’s forgiveness, sobbing over his prostrate and likely unconscious form as he did so. Kozi watched the whole ordeal with a smirk, lighting a new cigarette as the entertainment continued.

_Amateur…_

               


End file.
